“I don’t seem to have a middle ground.”
That was how one leader described her struggle with assertiveness. Either she accommodates and keeps the harmony, and doesn’t quite say what she really thinks. Or something really matters, the emotion kicks in, and she becomes very direct.
I smiled, because I think a lot of leaders will recognise it.
We treat it as a communication problem
When assertiveness comes up, the questions are almost always about language:
- What words should I use?
- How can I phrase this better?
- How do I disagree without sounding difficult?
That last one carries the most weight. There is a real fear of being seen as difficult, and it quietly shapes how much people are willing to say.
What she actually noticed
As we explored it further, she started describing the people she thinks of as constructively assertive. The ones she would like to be more like.
It was not their clever wording or their perfect sentences. It was their calmness.
This is what I see. This is what I think. This is what I believe we need.
They could stay open to another perspective without immediately abandoning their own. That is the part that is hard to fake, and it has nothing to do with vocabulary.
Which led us to a different question.
What if assertiveness is less about finding the perfect words, and more about staying grounded enough to say what needs saying?
One thing to try
Before a meeting where you expect disagreement, write down a single answer:
What is genuinely important for me to advocate here?
It does not need to be well formulated, and it does not need to account for how people might react. Just what matters to you.
Then go into the conversation from there.
Most of the preparation people do for difficult conversations is about anticipating other people. This is the opposite. It is about being clear enough with yourself that you do not need the perfect sentence.
